Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
