I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize