oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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