cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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