I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
