nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
