dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
