Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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