Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
