What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
