I got chris browned last night
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
