why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
