the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
