I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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