Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
