Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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