Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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