nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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