Swine flu. Run for my life!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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