This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Also, beer. Big fan.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize