I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
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