I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We don't watch enough power rangers
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
