We won't sleep together?
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize