I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
