I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
