Please don't use social media to get back at me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
