I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
