Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
