I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
