yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
