Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
