So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
