Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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