Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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