There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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