She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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