Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
