my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
