i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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