Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
