My hand turned me down
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
