why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
