If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you had me at cake vodka
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
