youre lurking in front of me
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why do cheetos always look like penises
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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