with your own penis?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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