Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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