I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
