Who wears a wallet chain?!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
