just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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