Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
