You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
