gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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