dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
