things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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