Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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