The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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