I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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