new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize