My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
