i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
