I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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