8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
