You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
