i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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