You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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